The Best Girl Ever Crossed The Bridge

We said goodbye to our Bear-Bear this week. The hit to our heart was enormous. She was nearly twelve-- in Great Pyr years, that's really almost an eternity...for us, it was still too soon. Our very first Pyr puppy after having rescued three--we lived in her world. Sassy, brilliant, paw-giver, hug-giver, big kisses-giver plus best big Sissy ever to her brother. I am a Pyrenees mom through and through-- these brilliant dogs stole our hearts over twenty years ago and we've never looked back. 

I can barely type right now as my eyes are tearing up. Nothing prepares you for final moments. But every time we bring a new fur baby into our home, we know what we're signing up for. But it's always too soon. We said our farewell through a pet hospice center...one of the most beautiful send-offs we could have asked for. 

Her name was was derived from a combo of several favorites in my life: Francie from "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn", Frank Sinatra, Frankenstein and finally Pope Francis. She lived up to Frankenstein the most: our little monster. She was funny, bold, protective, loving and always right by my side--every night taking prime spot beside me for constant pets, hugs and basically overall support--especially given what we've been through. Godspeed baby girl.

 

The New Normal

 

We're heading into the fourth week post-stroke. It has not been easy. I have cried, had sleepless nights, bouts of emotional ping pong, lack of appetite and a few pity parties. My sweet sister, friends (forty years long)--family and neighbors have all been in constant contact, offering support, texting: How are you? I'm no saint. I want my life back. All the while celebrating the many mini victories Joseph has each day--focusing on what's right in front of me--not the future, definitely not the past (which allows despair to creep in...never a good thing) and just breathing.

The other day, we loaded up the car and visited a park to extend his walking space (we're so tired of the back and forth, back and forth in the house, or on our sidewalk). It was a beautiful day for a small stroll--plus gave us the opportunity to practice car rides. He did great. He's now using a cane as well as walker. Baby steps.

There's a saying: God never gives you more than you can handle. Um, yes she does. I'm a list, journal, notes and paper calendar woman, raised in the school of the Franklin Planner, The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People--the Covey principle of "first things first". Every day when Joseph wakes, there's an eraser board with the date, hour-by-hour activities and PT/OT visits, doctor appointments and goals for the day along with rest and his meds schedule. One of the things I've learned is that structure and schedules broken out for the stroke survivor are incredibly helpful. As a caregiver, this also helps me. These few minutes of quiet planning in the morning are precious. It's a lot.

When an unexpected dental emergency struck (because why not?!--remember, "never gives you more than blah, blah, blah"--whatever!) the anxiety I had over his ability to consume proper foods to help his brain heal went into overdrive. Lucky for me, I have a dear friend who contacted another dear friend whose son is a dentist. We had an appointment the very next day--omg! The news wasn't great, but at least there's someone trying to work out a plan to help. I had an ugly cry. Friends. I am so lucky. The goodness showered on me (right in lockstep with the grief) has lifted me.

At some point this will all be a "remember that damn stroke?" story. At another time, I'll address the elephant in the room: Hey, look at this, a vegetarian had a stroke...see it doesn't matter! Well, it DOES matter. Stroke does not care...but genetics and overall health DOES. And overall health going into a medical crisis is everything.

No Two Strokes Are Alike...Now I Know

 I read and research all things "strokes": causes, signs, genetics, prevention, recovery, new discoveries, rehabilitation. On and on. One book that's been particularly helpful is, "Hope After Stroke" by Tsgoyna Tanzman. This gem contains multitudes for both the caregiver and stroke survivor (don't refer to them as "stroke victims...but survivors"). It's actually been a godsend. Every chapter contains pearls of wisdom on communication-- language for dealing with stroke, exercises, case studies, recovery and the reality that all of the daily work needed to build back the brain--however small-- is significant. And most importantly: no two strokes are the same. Yes, the stroke may be one of two types, and yes, they may hit the same regions of the brain...but just as our brains are different, so too are the individual responses to stroke as are recovery rates from stroke. Stroke doesn't discriminate--it can happen to anyone. This journey will be a marathon, not a sprint. 

I arrived at rehab to sit with him and get the day's events from him. He asked if I could bring him a box of beads and string so he could practice improving his small motor skills. My husband is nothing if not a perfect student! Then Joseph played an entire game of solitaire as I watched, amazed at the focus and determination-- though still a bit wobbly with hand coordination. He finished, sat back and said, Whew that was hard. I know...I know. But wow, what an amazing thing!

The progress Joseph is making is incredible. I've watched and participated in his recovery journey. His rehab center staff are angels--heroes with dedication and inspiration for him with every milestone he achieves.

Yesterday I had to go to the Big Box membership store...alone. Several deep breaths. I wasn't prepared for for any emotion to surface--I'd just left the rehab facility--all was good. Things are progressing. 

It'd been two weeks since I'd really noticed our dog food dwindling, other staples needing replenishment. In the morning, I squeezed in a visit with a group of quilting friends and they shared hugs and well wishes--I needed this connection because so much of my time has been alone, alone...or beside two Thunder Wolves (Great Pyrenees-- they know there's a need for comfort right now-- they won't leave my side). Texting and phone calls from my besties, support from neighbors--all very kind and so very needed.

The store was incredibly busy-- it was after five. I typically don't shop after two, and usually not alone. Joseph and I would tackle these monster store visits with the attitude of: more steps for the day! I don't know what came over me, but I felt a deep sadness creeping in and tears coming on. Uh-oh. All day I'd managed to keep it together, going so far as to declare to my friends: I've decided today is a no crying day! The store, the crowds, the normal routine of my life felt out of sorts to me. And so I cried. A little pity party alone in the pasta aisle. And then I moved on. 

How a Stroke Arrived and Where We Go from Here: One Week Later

Tuesday was a typical morning: coffee, dogs, breakfast. I'm the early riser. I get everything for the day going. Then in strolls Joseph, bleery-eyed, hugs for me, doggie pets, coffee then his breakfast. Except for the breakfast part. I had my head buried in the New York Times. I saw from the corner of my eye he was heading to the bathroom (not unusual!). A moment passed, then suddenly I heard a noise and what sounded like either coughing or gagging. Omg. I got up, walked toward the noise and saw my husband was bent over the toilet, hands on wall a bit wobbly. I asked him to tell me what happened?!...just a gutteral mumble. Dry heaving. Are you choking? Are you flu sick? Want water?  I asked whether he had pain anywhere? Pain on left, pressure on chest? Asked whether he thought he was having a heart attack? (Because you always read about heart attack presentation: pain up left side, maybe smell coffee, pressure in chest...all the things...trying to engage him in this analysis...he is, after all, a trained scientist--surely there's an explanation here.) But seeing his unsteadiness and wondering whether or not he could even comprehend me--I gently touched his back asked him to please get fully on the ground because porcelain was everywhere...what if he passes out, he was using the wall and top of toilet for support and I knew one of these bathroom corners would surely kill him. Clinging to the toilet he slowly and wobbily went down, still gagging. Complaining of dizziness, head spinning. I ran for my phone and called 911. 

The 911 operator (from what I can recall--I was now in survival mode and trying very hard not to go down myself)--was calm, reassuring and offered to stay on the line until help arrived. Meantime I had to gather the dogs to an area and block them--all while still on phone. My hysteria was the dogs' hysteria. I watched, cried, waited. Watched, cried waited. Checked on Joseph...hang on, hang on honey!

Then our local firemen arrived. Oh thank God...please fix him. I assumed he'd had taken a morning med and somehow it was impacting him...please stop the heaving. What do I know? Never, not once did "stroke" enter my mind. I've never seen one, I'm not a doctor. I have friends who have had loved ones who've suffered strokes...but for me personally, this was uncharted territory.

The paramedics loaded him onto a stretcher, I followed them into the ambulance. They were like ma'am, no...you follow us. The fireman stayed with me. I watched, trying to process all of this. I had one million questions and no one here with me. I was terrified.

Off in an ambulance goes my husband who weeks earlier helped shovel a foot of snow off our driveway, who went to the Missouri Botanical Gardens with me to view the Orchid Show, who walks 1-2 miles daily, who hikes, walks the dogs, walks with me, loves to read, solves crossword puzzles, word games, loves Lord of the Rings, loves to watch our favorite shows (some over and over again: Frasier, Doug and Carrie--King of Queens), The Lincoln Lawyer, The West Wing (becuase please Lord take us back to a Martin Sheen administration...) who eats mostly vegan diet, who works hard to take care of himself so as to not leave me...leaving me.

The hospital ER was eerily empty that Tuesday morning, until it wasn't. Chaos. Screaming. My husband. Hey, my husband is here, dammit. I remember bits and pieces of conversations and interactions I was having: tell us what happened right before, how did the morning start, what did he say? My body tremors started to emerge and I was trying 4-7-8 breathing, tried naming all of the things in front of me, trying not to pass out myself. I had no time for this right now! I needed to focus. The dogs...do they have water. Did the coffee pot get turned off. Did I bring his wallet. All of the things. My stomach began to churn, I was fighting getting sick...I could NOT pass out. I waited. Then I rushed to bathroom as a physical response set in.

He was admitted that afternoon. Still suffering from the what I would guess are the post stroke symptoms: dizziness, nausea, trouble moving his head at all. Couldn't tolerate the bright lights, mostly keeping his eyes closed, wasn't really able to even turn his head without nausea. And to top things off--only had one hearing aid in...the other having disappeared somewhere in transport. I have looked everywhere for it. I called ambulance district, "Sorry to bother, but could you ask drivers about missing hearing aid?" Hospital Lost and Found. Our driveway. Nothing.

Day two and the MRI confirmed it: ischemic stroke. Two parts of the brain impacted. His speech slurred, his right side unsteady hand and arm control...up to this point there had been no mention to me of stroke. So at three in the afternoon on the second day, we knew.

Stroke can happen to anyone. 

(...and so do dog emergencies, which occurred when I came came home from the hospital on the third night.) Omg.

One Week After Stroke

He's in rehab. He survived. He's rewiring his brain, body, balance. Everything is moving through him with a child's wonderment...he's a little more Joseph every day. He's such a trooper. Such a good patient. He's my husband of nearly thirty years and we're in this fight together. 

Very Peanutty Chocolate Chip Cookies (and…the orchids)

I had a mad peanut butter cookie craving the other night. So I made my first batch of no-recipe peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I decided it was time to go it alone: no recipe, just me, the flour, sugar and butters, chocolate, jars of peanut butter. It was time! And they were delicious!

This recipe only makes about twelve cookies. It takes one bowl, a fork or spoon and very little time. I’m small-batch girl lately. You’ll need two types of peanut butter, or at least I did, plus peanut flour. Told you it was a craving! You can order peanut flour online. It adds a nice peanut boost. To me, there is no such thing as too much peanut butter…the house smelled amazing! 

Very Peanutty Chocolate Chip Cookies

1/2 stick vegan butter

1/4 cup coconut sugar

1/4 cup smooth peanut butter

2 T crunchy peanut butter

1/2 t ground flax mixed with 1 T water (as vegan egg)

1 t vanilla extract

1/4 cup peanut flour (if none on hand, just use AP flour—but trust me, it makes the cookies taste even better)

1/4 cup unbleached all purpose flour

1/4 t baking soda

1/4 cup chocolate chips

Preheat oven 350. Line cookie sheet with parchment or spray lightly. Mix the wet ingredients (butters, vanilla flax together). Add vanilla extract. Add dry ingredients to wet, stirring just until mixture shows no dry clumps. Fold in chocolate chips. Using teaspoon, make round cookies, then press lightly with fork to flatten them a bit. Bake for about 12 minutes or until edges of cookies begin to brown. Allow cookies to cool completely. Yum! 

So we needed a flower break. We set out to visit the annual Orchid Show at Missouri Botanical Gardens yesterday. The flowers were a reminder that even through all of the insanity in the world right now, there are many things which remain constant: like flowers. I’ve been a tad grumpy lately. Worried for our future and fighting feelings of despair. To snap out of it, I remind myself of my age (been around the block a few times as they say), the many years of truly awfulness I’ve survived—will probably yet survive, and that spring is right around the corner. The orchid show did not disappoint. I was overcome with a sense of promise and hope. The gardens were being tended. Mulch was being applied to the beds. We’re so lucky to have this in our backyard. I’ll be shifting my focus toward the light. I see bulbs popping up in the yard. The buds on the trees are getting larger. Here’s a few of my favorites! 

 

Cinnamon Roll Cookies in December

I didn't have high hopes for something so simple to yield such a yummy not-cinnamon-roll-but-cookie concoction. But it worked. The cookies have a shortbread feeling to them. Not super crumbly, but in a milder, crunchy treat way. They're not like a cinnamon roll per se. But they will satisfy a serious cinnamon spice craving. I found the recipe via the New York Times Cooking app--or rather a "no-yeast cinnamon roll" recipe, video and all. I've made no-rise cinnamon rolls before and they were just meh. I had about 30 minutes to tinker. Fingers crossed.

This recipe is fairly simple. With a small bit of math and modifying the original recipe, this made enough cookies for two. You could double the amounts if you'd like more cookies. Here's a short summary of the process.

In first bowl, mix the vegan butter with organic brown sugar or coconut sugar, a good amount of cinnamon, some chopped pecans and a splash of vanilla extract. 

In the second bowl, dry ingredients: flour--(I blended oat flour with all-purpose and sorghum flours for my own taste--I love sorghum flour and AP mixed together), baking powder, baking soda, vegan buttermilk, little bit of olive oil, bit of salt and a little sugar. Mix all together and knead for minute or so, roll flat and spread with pecan/butter mixture and very carefully roll the tube (the long end, not the short end which is what I started doing before I had my a-ha moment). The key to keeping them in the "cookie" category and not the "roll" is in how thin you slice the roll--about a half inch is perfect. I had doubts about this actually working but once they cooled and I mixed some vegan cream cheese (Philadelphia--yes, they have a Plant Based cream cheese now! I'm thrilled!) with a bit of organic powdered sugar--they were superb. I don't think the cookies require the cream cheese--they're delicious on their own, but it is a nice touch.

Cinnamon Roll Cookies

*makes around 12 cookies

(Modified NYT No-Yeast Cinnamon Roll Recipe)

For the filling:

1/2 stick or 1/4 c. vegan butter

1/4 c. coconut sugar with 1 teaspoon (tsp) organic brown sugar

3/4 tsp. ground cinnamon

1/8 tsp. ground nutmeg

1/4 tsp. vanilla extract or vanilla bean paste

1/4 cup (c.) chopped pecans

For the dough:

1/2 c. unbleached all-purpose flour plus 1/4 c. oat flour and 1/4 sorghum flour

1/2 tablespoon baking powder

1/8 tsp. baking soda

2 tsp. sugar

pinch of salt

1/8 c. olive oil

1/4 c. almond milk with 1/2 t. of apple cider vinegar

For glaze (if you must)

vegan cream cheese, about 2 tablespoons mixed with 3 tablespoons organic powdered sugar

Preheat oven 400. Line with parchment paper or spray cookie sheet with baking spray.

In first bowl, mix all filling ingredients together until a somewhat smooth paste appears. Set aside.

In second bowl, add all dough ingredients, mix with a spoon until a smooth dough forms. Knead the dough for around a minute in the bowl or on an oiled counter. Roll the dough out on parchment paper, until around 1/4-1/2" thick, forming a rectangle. Spread filling carefully over dough. Roll long edge of dough carefully and as tightly as possible without breaking the dough. With a knife, slice dough into approximately 12 1/2" rounds. Space out 2 inches apart on cookie sheet and bake for 18-20 minutes or until cookies begin turning light brown around edges. Let cookies cool completely before glazing. Store in airtight container for about 1 week. 

A Snickerdoodle Kind of Day

The other night I set out to bake a cinnamon-y treat with hints of nutmeg and cardamon--mostly hoping to fill the house with warm spices and homey vibes. A snickerdoodle! I remember a version of this cookie resembling a flat, all white flour sugar cookie, light on cinnamon, heavy on sugar. If there ever was an easy-bake-oven kind of re-entry into this world again, this cookie is it. I try to keep the number of left over cookies to a minimum, so I bake smaller batches lately vs "recipe makes 24 cookies" because no one around here will want the same cookie for two months.  

In attempting to not succumb to sugar comas, I prefer less sugar--loving coconut sugar lately--and definitely less all-purpose flour, rather blending flours mostly using combos of rye, sorghum and oat. Rye being a favorite.This recipe can be doubled, or just made straight with white flour and white sugar...but why do that when the options are endless? Coconut sugar is used here with a bit of the regular stuff. I tried subbing some of the other "no sugar" types in my baking over the years... just no. Especially no to erythritol. (Look it up.) I spend most of my grocery shopping reading labels, then searching on google for descriptions/warnings...sometimes falling into a black hole of fear in the middle of the baking aisle.

Vegan Snickerdoodle

*makes around 12 cookies

1 1/4 c. flour 

1/2 t. baking soda

1/2 t. cream of tartar

1/4 t. ground cinnamon

1/8 t. ground cardamom

1/4 t. salt 

1 stick vegan butter

1/2 c. plus 2 T. Florida Crystals sugar

1/4 c. coconut sugar

1 stick vegan butter

1/2 t. vanilla extract or vanilla paste

1 t. ground flax mixed with 2 T. water

*2 T. of sugar plus 1/4 t. cinnamon and dash of nutmeg for rolling cookies before baking

**powdered sugar for an extra pretty add-on

Preheat oven to 375. Prepare cookie pan with parchment or light spray.

 Sift together dry ingredients. Set aside. In another bowl, blend butter, sugar, vanilla and flax "egg". Add dry mixture to wet and blend until no dry flour remains. Shape into small walnut-sized balls, roll one side in a bit of the sugar. Bake for approximately 8-10 minutes. Allow to cool before sprinkling a few of the cookies with powdered sugar. 

And then this...It's been a minute. And for what it's worth, it hasn't even felt as long as nearly four years. I'd wanted to jump in here again on and off over the years. Some pithy comment on this or that accompanied by a yummy recipe or two but the pull of other priorities fills the day and "poof"...day over. There's always tomorrow. Well, we're all good here. A few more wrinkles and grey hairs, but thankfully, healthy and still able to dress ourselves.

 

Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookie from Joy of Cooking (Update: Good News Monday Edition)

I've made these chocolate chip cookies at least a half-dozen times since quarantine. But when I whipped up a batch yesterday, the feeling of folding in the butter and flour and chips brought with it a sense of new purpose. Now I was baking like I had during "normal" times: for relaxation. For pleasure. Not for stress relief and escape and sugar coma. The results are in: COVID negative. We're elated! Relieved. Grateful. I wonder how many other families received similar news yesterday and how they're feeling. Did they jump into their kitchens and bake cookies?

The roller coaster of emotions we endured while this was all going on was terrifying. And now states (including Missouri) are considering easing restrictions. I hope the virus gets the memo, and surely it has because of course a virus takes direction. I can see it putting on its little coat, fedora hat, grabbing its luggage and just shuffling off into the great unknown. Downtrodden and broken because we, the human hosts--are not going to stand down any longer. We're coming back! 

I've been trying to incorporate whole wheat flour/ground oats or almond flour into as many recipes as I can to extend the use of my all-purpose flour. So far I've only ruined one loaf of bread because my ratio of water wasn't increased enough or something for a proper rise. It became a nice flat bread instead. Waste not, want not.

Use whatever form of chocolate you have on hand here. It can be chopped up chunks, it can be tiny chips, it can be peanut butter chips and chocolate chips. It can be M&Ms--whatever you have on hand that gives you the chocolate jolt you need, use it. This cookie also welcomes any bit of nut you'd like to add as well. 

Here is my modified vegan chocolate chip cookie recipe from Joy of Cooking. 

Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookie 

1 stick Earth Balance butter

1/3 cup sugar

1/3 brown sugar 

1 t. vanilla extract

1 T. ground flax plus 2 T. water and 1 t. olive oil (Flax Egg)

3/4 cup AP flour

1/4 cup whole wheat flour (or sub any kind of flour you have here)

1/2 t. baking soda

1/2 t. salt

1 cup chocolate chips

1/3 cup chopped pecans *optional

Preheat oven to 375. Prep a cookie sheet with parchment paper or light oil. In a bowl, whisk together flour, baking soda, salt. Set aside. Prepare flax egg and set aside. In medium mixing bowl, add butter, sugars, extract and mix well. Add flax egg and blend until smooth. Slowly add dry ingredients to butter mixture until all dry flour pieces are incorporated. Then fold in the chocolate and nuts (if using).

Drop by tablespoon onto cookie sheet spaced two inches apart. Place in fridge for twenty minutes. 

Remove and bake for 10-12 minutes or until edges of cookies begin to brown. Freeze any unused dough into round balls for later. 

COVID-19 Hits Home (I will not allow my family to be a "statistic")

This is my sister, Julie. She's the world to me, to my husband, to her husband, to her friends. She's strong, beautiful, brilliant and everything else you'd want in a sister, friend, wife, doggie-mom. Yesterday she called with the news that shook me to my core: her whole house is under 14-day quarantine. It's not pretty. It came on fast. It zapped her energy, the fever--textbook version. The day before she'd been super busy with life: housework, workouts, chatting with me, face-timing with friends, making dinner...just your usual busy "Julie Day." 

In a heap. Crying. Worried. Crying more. Calling/texting my girlfriends, neighbors. 

Hearing my baby sister telling ME: It's going to be okay. No dammit. This virus is insidious and goes from mild to ventilator in a matter of hours. It's effing NOT going to be okay. We pray it WILL be a mild case. . . we bargain, beg and hope for all things to maintain as they are right now.

And testing? What about testing? Good luck with that unless you have A-list status/wealth or some shit. She's getting tested, her doctor ordered it. The results take three days. Three days! 

I'm sick of watching people "march/protest/demand" we Open for Business like this is just another issue of "rights being violated" moment. It's anything but that. It's about supporting ideology over medicine while this country crumbles. It's about sitting comfortably in your ignorance and joining with a chorus of others who subscribe to poisonous political views (and feel righteous and protected while Group Think takes over) when people are dying and our medical system fights to keep others alive. 

To those demonstrating an unwillingness to believe science (I'm married to a scientist)...I become less and less inclined to maintain my "observer" status. I'm furious right now. 

If you aren't part of the solution--you ARE the problem. 

Sewing Face Masks for Healthcare Workers

I am making face masks. I used this tutorial. In the last 24 hours many more face mask tutorials have begun to pop up with a simple Google search. Please note: the CDC has issued a statement regarding the homemade masks here.

I feel helpless, I want to help. So do others. Our very own Missouri Star Quilt Company, Jenny Doan, shared a video face mask tutorial here. 

We are all going through the same unimaginable crisis at once. Our healthcare workers are going to be on the front lines of the brunt of what is to come. I have neighbors and family members who work in healthcare and are now bracing for what is to come. It is terrifying. I am so grateful for each and every one of these brave souls. I am sending them love and appreciation. 

During the days, I spend time at my sewing machine, though I've got the concentration of a hummingbird right now. I've stumbled through knitting and crochet projects in fits and starts. I still manage to get dinner on the table. I did a bit of baking and will share a recipe or two here shortly. 

In the evenings we both try to carve out a little time of zen TV watching--no news! I sit with a project in my lap, hands busy with each stitch.  

From Brene Brown:

"Try to be scared without being scarry."

Vegan Chocolate Chunk Blondies (somehow I must've known it would come to this)

I threw these blondies together as I prepped a big batch of black bean burgers to freeze for later. (Yes, I am food prepping.) Probably made over a dozen batches of these cookies over the past few months. As usual, I took a break from sugary carb-craving in February. Things are much different now. Even though the grass is beginning to green up and my daffodils are blooming, the urge to bake and soothe my soul with comfort foods normally reserved for dark, winter months has returned with a vengeance. 

(As a news-obsessed individual, I'm sure you can guess why.)

My cookbooks lining the kitchen walls are more precious to me than ever right now. I've collected hundreds over the decades. I drop into flea markets looking for Pyrex and instead find myself with a two-dollar cookbook I'd wanted years ago. One more for the collection. Call me crazy, but in my Marie Kondo cleaning frenzy last spring--very few cookbooks left this house. Very. Few.

One of my old stand-by cookbooks, an Alice Medrich classic, stands the test of time.  

Published in 2010, my dog-eared, taped-page and post-it noted guides indicate the cookbook's utility. 

Here's my vegan version blondie--and don't bake these in an 8" square pan. Use instead a rectangle if you can. Mine is 10 x 6" pan I purchased for eight bucks at the grocery store. Once you add the batter to the pan, you may look at it and think: this cannot be right--there's barely enough batter to cover the bottom of the pan. Trust the recipe, they bake up beautifully. And after a night in the fridge, even better. 

Vegan Blondies (adapted)

3/4 cup unbleached AP flour

1/4 cup whole wheat flour

1/2 t. baking powder

1/4 t. fine sea salt

1 stick vegan butter

3/4 cup light brown sugar

1 t. vanilla extract

2 T. ground flax, plus 3 T. water, 1 t. olive oil (vegan egg)

2/3 cup walnuts or pecans

1/2 cup chocolate chunks

Preheat oven to 350. Line pan with parchment paper, lightly spray.

Mix dry ingredients together, set aside.

Place small saucepan over low heat, add butter and sugar and stir until butter melts and sugar is mostly dissolved. Remove from heat. Add vanilla extract and flax egg. Mix well. Add dry ingredients to butter mixture. Mix just until flour is mostly incorporated. Add half nuts and half chocolate. Spread batter in pan, then sprinkle remaining nuts and chocolate over. Bake for about 20 minutes or just until the sides begin to turn golden. Let cool completely, then cut into squares and store in fridge.

With all the bleak AF stuff out in the world lately, my own version of self-care includes a nice vitamin rich juice first thing in the morning. I've had my juicer for a dozen or so years now. It's come in very handy lately (even though it sat literally unused for about eight of these). If you think, "Hey, nice blondie recipe, but then juicing...how's that work?" Um, resistance is futile. I will always have chocolate in my life in one form or another.

This is my favorite juicing recipe:

1 beet

1 carrot

1 celery stick

1 knob ginger

1 granny smith apple

juice of half a lemon

When I can, I make enough for two small pints (one before I eat oatmeal for breakfast, another to drink later in the day--you know, around three in the afternoon when I'd rather scarf down a whole package of M&Ms). I've been a believer in juicing for ages...has it helped? I have no damned idea. It makes me feel good. So yes. It "helps".

Also been intermittent fasting. So basically the day goes like this:

Eat between nine and five. Stop. 

Went to my local WM on Tuesday, just as a precaution, trying to get my hands on bleach cleaner. Wow. I happened to turn the corner and spotted an out of place single bottle left. I was like: "Thank you retail-eagle-eye for helping me spot the thing that wasn't like the other things."

Vegan Blueberry Muffins (during a mandatory evacuation: crochet a mandala, knit a sweater)

I began baking like a fiend this week. Remarkably, everything I've cooked/baked or attempted to do in lieu of checking myself into some place for a "respite" has turned out to be exactly what I needed to function just one minute longer, one hour longer, then an afternoon and finally an evening longer. Because that's how I'm operating here: in moments--with really good food. I stumbled across this recipe for blueberry muffins in a mad search for a morning treat for the workers in the yard and DH and me (because who doesn't love blueberry muffins?). I have dozens of amazing blueberry muffin recipes throughout my collection. But the need to seek and find just the right recipe was urgent and a nice Google distraction. Trusty King Arthur Flour was the answer to my prayers. I landed on the Famous Department Store Blueberry Muffin recipe. If you've got five minutes, cupcake liners and blueberries (frozen are fine), I highly recommend you give these a shot. Mine were made with a flax egg and vegan butter--that's all the substitution needed to re-create the recipe. I know I'll be making these again, possibly adding lemon zest next time, and subbing some whole wheat flour in the mix as well--making a gluten free version would work well, too. It's quite a forgiving recipe: so simple, plain and lovely. If you'd like a taller muffin, you can always up the baking powder by a 1/8-1/4 teaspoon. My kitchen once again became my sanctuary. 

Vegan Blueberry Muffins 

*Adapted from Famous Department Store Blueberry Muffin Recipe by King Arthur 

2 cups all-purpose flour

2 1/4 t. baking power

1/4 t. salt (I adjusted down the amt. with salted vegan butter)

1/2 cup vegan butter

1 cup sugar

4 t. ground flax seed with 4 T. water and 2 t. EVOO (flax egg subbing for 2 eggs)

1 t. vanilla extract

1/2 cup almond milk

2 cups frozen blueberries 

*a little sugar for sprinkling on top of muffins before baking

Preheat oven to 375. Prepare muffin tin lined with cupcake wrappers, spray wrappers with nonstick spray. Measure out flour, salt and baking soda in bowl and sift together. Set aside. In medium bowl, mix butter for about two minutes. Add sugar, mixing until light and fluffy--about a minute longer. Add vanilla and flax egg, then mix a bit more. Then add flour and milk alternately mixing lightly after each addition--just until the dry flour is mixed in. Then fold in the blueberries. Fill cupcake liners about 3/4 full with batter, then sprinkle about a 1/2 teaspoon of sugar on top. Bake for 30-40 minutes. *I found baking for a little longer yielded a nice golden brown top. I used a toothpick to test if batter was baked through.  

So why all this baking urgency, kitchen therapy? Well, last week this happened: continued treatment for winter poison ivy outbreak, major demolition of yard, my sister scheduled for surgery in a week...oh and there was the mandatory evacuation of our home IMMEDIATELY owing to our gas line being hit during yard excavation--(not owing to our crew, rather something to do with "marking" of line). With barely enough time to spare to grab my purse, phone and two Great Pyrenees--knocking on neighbor's doors to warn them of potential doom--again with TWO seventy pound white Thunder Wolves on my wrists--it's a miracle I've made it to Sunday. ALL this while DH went about calmly managing the entire surreal afternoon as the fire department, gas, water and line inspectors arrived. (Wonder how I held up? Picture exactly what I've described here, sprinkle in screaming, crying, blaming and more crying. Okay, so I'm not exactly Mother Teresa during a crisis.) It's all I could do to keep my heart from simply stopping in my chest. Alas, the crisis was averted, things repaired and life returned to somewhat normal conditions.

Above--as the demolition began. Below, the calm after the "evacuate" storm: Dr. Thyme checking on the progress with the workers. I was inside at this point--rocking back in forth in a chair chanting some illegible crap about "There's no place like home...there's no place like home."

So yes, there be baking happening. All through this, I'm trying to remain calm. Lending positive affirmations to my sister who is about to face a really tough trial (as if she hasn't faced enough already). 

It's been one thing after another. 

Luckily I have friends (dear, dear friends) who've received texts with probably too-long-while-also-trying-not-to-be-overly-dramatic explanations of all that's transpired. Then there's been two- and three-hour phone conversations with these women and my sister as well. Truthfully, everyone I know has A LOT happening, but I don't know what I'd do without them. I guess we've hit the age in life where the proverbial sh*t hits the fan fairly regularly. But honestly, enough already. "Pass the muffins, please!"

Helping along the way are my needlework projects--working with my hands while my mind tries to make order out of chaos. 

Projects I've found incredibly blissful.

The Sunny Spread blanket. Using my stash yarn for this. It's a mandala with a square finish. Such a calm one-mandala-at-a-time escape. I'll need to make about 25 of these to create a nice throw. 

Oh boy do I have a long way to go, but my Great Love Cardigan will be SO lovely when it's finished. I can't wait. I've been working on this while listening to an audiobook: Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens. 

This is the Adirondack Wrap crochet project. It's very relaxing to work on. Three triangles sewn together for final assembly. I just love it in my Mandala yarn. 

Vegan Pasta e Fagioli Soup (and my gardener's lament: winter poison ivy!)

Dear Soup, Thank you for always reminding me there are better days ahead. Soups are mainstays around here, especially with snow on the ground and temps hovering in low twenties to single digits tonight, plus more cold on the horizon this week. And poison ivy. (Yup.) I've probably made six batches of this already this winter. It involves a food processor and a soup pot. That's it. Comes together in approximately five minutes and is satisfying, warm and delicious. Here's my take on this soup, which was originally inspired by this.

Here's how I made my Vegan Pasta e Fagioli:

4 carrots

1 leek

6 cloves garlic

1 celery stalk

1/2 onion sliced thin

2 bay leaves

1/2 head of cabbage

1 can of cannellini beans (drained, rinsed)

1 can diced tomatoes

1/3 cup ditalini pasta (cooked in separate pot, then added to soup just before serving)

2 T. nutritional yeast

1 qt. veggie stock

olive oil

thyme

oregano

red pepper flakes

salt & pepper to taste

Add chopped veggies--carrots, leeks, garlic to food processor, pulse about ten times. Prep the soup pot with the olive oil over medium heat, add chopped veg. Cook till just tender. Add remaining ingredients and broth and seasonings, salt and pepper. Cover and let simmer two hours over low heat. Serve with a side of your best homemade bread. (Mine is Jim Lahey's --I made the ciabatta version).

After a visit with the folks at Urgent Care yesterday for a infernal outbreak of poison ivy, I am now awaiting an agonizing three weeks for this painful mess to clear up. Or longer. Why does Mother Earth require such an evil, toxic plant? What purpose does it serve? I've been struck by this havoc on only a handful of times in my life because I am so gawdawful afraid. Sounds impossible. But trust me when I tell you: only to me, the Master Gardener, and in winter no less. And above is the culprit. 

Our home is undergoing a transformation of sorts in a few weeks which will finally rid us of these old railroad timbers and be replaced with a more substantial wall of stone. (That will hopefully outlive us and beyond.) 

So I found myself outside on a warm-ish day earlier last week in a bit of a snit over the demise of some cherished plants I couldn't bear to lose. I've spent fifteen years tending and planting, so obviously there are plants I want to keep. Out with the shovel and buckets and pots. Everything's dormant, ground was soft, sun was out: perfect. Until later that night when I woke with what I imagined to be some sort of bug bite. Then to the next afternoon when my arm reached up to scratch my wrist (pulling the long sleeve back and discovering to my horror what really had happened). OMG. WTH? Could this be? . . . is this? Noooooo! 

And then began the seven stages of grief: shock, denial, guilt, anger and bargaining, depression and loneliness to reconstruction (the UC visit) and finally acceptance. Yes, I accept that I have the rash of the spring and summertime, of gardeners, campers, hikers and landscapers, the poisonous fury of: Leaves of Three Let it Be! Ah, but what about the roots? 

I had come in contact with said dormant plant--through the roots. I had oh-so carefully lifted plants and divided, setting each clump aside. Gloves and long sleeves. I have replayed this moment back through my mind a hundred times: as I reached under one of my plants, I, on an exposed part of my wrist must have come in contact with the worst plant root on the planet, unbeknownst to me. 

I am more allergic than most and so, this lovely little visitor and its prescribed remedy dosed out (the horrid steroid treatment) is, well. . . It's hell. The rash has traveled from my left wrist, up my right arm, to my abdomen, and leg. There's a perfect dot-to-dot landscape you can follow if you wanted. I can see the entry at every point. It's like an incredibly cruel irony and one I will face with tears, determination, agitation and regret. As for the remainder of the plants. They'll be destined for demolition.